When do you miss someone?

Last few months have been  very busy. With my twin sons taking the 12th standard board exams and then the craziness of applying to various colleges ..... Life was just revolving around the objective of ensuring that they got admitted into a good engineering college. Even though at this age kids generally need you just for food and money and lead independent social lives your daily schedule is still linked to theirs. They are the centre around which your life events revolve. Sometimes you secretly wonder what it would be like to be free of responsibilities of providing boarding and lodging to two people who don't lift a finger and live your life as you fancy. It's a very indulgent thought and makes one sigh in longing. Then the day comes and they leave. I left them at the airport early morning and came back feeling just fine. I was actually looking forward to doing a lot of things undisturbed by the demands of feeding and cleaning up the room of my sons. I automatically started setting the table for breakfast and then it hit me when I didn't set plates for them. They were gone. I realised how much of a mothers love is expressed in feeding her kids. That is when the tears came. The realisation of missing your loved ones comes at the most ordinary moments which you spent with them.

What is the biggest mystery in the universe?

I have realized the biggest mystery in the universe is deciphering yourself. It is not about discovering life in outer space, new scientific and technological inventions or God..... The mystery is US. It can take us a lifetime or many more to peel away layers of ego, misconceptions, negative emotions, false beliefs and desires to uncover what lies beneath. The journey is tough and most of the time human will to undertake it is weak. We live in denial and don't really want to experience the hardship and travails of solving this mystery. It is just easier to live on the surface of life than dive to the depths to uncover uncomfortable truths about ourselves. The journey generally starts when we face a difficult situation in our lives which arouses a negative emotion in us and we suffer because we resist. I have experienced that to let go, to surrender to the flow of time and situation is the best way to embark on the process of self-discovery. It is not easy to give up our need to control events in our lives according to our liking but sometimes that is the only way. And once we decide to ride the wave then we have to accept that to surf it like a pro we need to adapt, change and upgrade our surfing technique. That is, we need to acknowledge that the way we tackle and face our problems currently has to change. The thumb rule is that whatever we may feel or think the only way to progress is to do the right thing. No excuses. Each time we decide and do the right thing we become better at it and peel away a layer hiding our true self. 

Has your role changed in parent child relationship?

As I gain in years I see a sure, subtle change in my role as child with my parents. Earlier I would be the one to ring up my parents to share my problems in life. I would discuss, seek advice, rave and rant at the unfairness of situations and just unload myself. There was comfort in the knowledge that they are there for me come what may. I was a child confident in the assurance that there is some one who will always look out for me. As I grow older and so do my parents I see a shift in our relationship.Now I call up to not to discuss I, me , myself but them. The focus has shifted to to their life. Now I want to know if they are doing well emotionally, physically and financially. I sense their insecurity at not being able to keep pace with fast paced changes in the society-- from changing norms of social relationships to latest technology becoming a part of all our lives. Skype, facebook, twitter, SMS, BBM, mobile phones are social interactive platforms which baffle them. Now I worry when they travel alone. There is a change in me. I feel more responsible for them and don't want to trouble them with my stresses but shield them instead. Now I want them to have comfort in the assurance that I am there for them no matter what. Funny, how our roles evolve in life to ultimately become a giver in not just this relationship but every other one also.That is what growing up means.To care about others.

Ready for mountaineering?

You know, I am tired of incessantly feeling something every second of my life. I am happy, sad, angry, anxious, lonely, resentful, peaceful, content, wanting, bored, possessive, ...... there is no end to it. As our life flows we deal with people and relationships, things and materialism and circumstances/ situations, all of which bombard the senses and flood us with emotions hard to deal with. These mountains of difficult relationships, materialism and adverse situations that we face, generally we hate climbing them and avoid overcoming or challenging them as its too painful. If someone hurts us, we get angry and the immediately react according to the way we feel -- either hurt back or cut the person out of our lives. It is so much easier to give in to our feelings and act them out rather than confronting them and refusing to act them out. We want that latest high definition, biggest flat screen or any other hi tech gadget. So much easier to give into the desire to possess rather than resist the temptation. We see a person lying hurt in a road accident and look the other way hoping someone else will take him to the hospital. So much easier to walk away  than miss your important appointment. Well......  we all are guilty of letting emotions running our lives, only the degree varies from person to person. What if we refuse to give in and decide to climb the mountain. What if we decide to grow up and become strong.  We can do that by choosing to play a different card. What if we choose to face anger with calmness, fear with courage, boredom with helping others, possessiveness with letting go, the high of shopping with meeting family and friends, self- righteousness with being non-judgemental ,resentment with no expectations...........  there is no end to what we can do differently to overcome the mountain. What we feel and what we do are two different things. Each time we choose to do the right thing, we practice at becoming emotionally and spiritually stronger.

Is it holy grail to dance at weddings?

You must be wondering if I am maa.....d to even raise this question. Isn't it obvious that weddings are occasions of happiness, and music and dance is the way we express our joy and celebrate. Yes, that is true if it is spontaneous fun in a gathering of friends and family where everyone gets up to shake a leg even if you have two left feet. It is fun when the baraatis dance with crazy dance movements as if they got an epilepsy attack or you are two pegs down and rocking on the dance floor. But spare me the current trend of imitating Bollywood in real life. There is the hired coreographer who teaches the bride, the groom, the teenage cousins, the aunties and the uncles, mothers and fathers and even the grandparents if they are willing . Then this well rehearsed bunch goes on stage and gyrates to the latest Bollywood songs. Spare me the agony of being forced to witness this ludicrous performance at every big fat Indian wedding. Hellooooo..... if entertainment is the issue then please get some professionals to perform instead of trying to imitate HUM SAATH SAATH HAIN in real life. 

Can I be wrong?

This is a question I recently asked myself and accepted that I could have reacted differently in many circumstances to ensure smoother relationships. The minute this thought struck me, I realized that I am not perfect and became less judgemental about the other person. I recognized and acknowledged my personality traits in the other or realized that we are two completely different personalities. Whatever the case, noticing and understanding dissolved the anger and freed me. I no longer saw myself as the wronged, aggrieved perfectly correct person but an imperfect individual. I felt lighter and happier. I have become more forgiving of both myself and the other. I feel more complete and whole even though imperfect. And  this is better as my ego then has less control over me.

How to teach children to be strong?

In today's world where everyone is out gain advantage over you whether by fair or unfair means we all worry how our children will fare as they grow up in an overly aggressive and competitive environment. Will they collapse under pressure or learn to handle it with intelligent choices. I often worry about my kids as I think they are simple and introverted compared to a lot of other children. However, something happened today that made think that though they might not be the street smart extrovert category of teenagers, they will learn to deal with the world in their own way. This is how it goes.......
Two to three years ago D- block residents contributed for the upkeep of the D-block park. The funds and the responsibility of the park maintenance was given to two people. Now in their zealousness to prove that they could maintain a beautiful park these individuals stopped children from playing football in the park on the grounds that the plants and trees are damaged and the fear of injury to those walking nearby. When my children came home upset that they were not being allowed to play, lets say like any mother I saw RED. I then went door to door gathering support from the parents of children who played football and cricket to oppose this. Meetings were held and we argued that being a public park the children had the right to play what ever they wanted. No individual could dictate how the park is to be used. We also suggested that timings could kept for sport activities,  small fence be put around the hedges to prevent damage and children be told to be careful that the ball should not hit the walkers. But to no avail. These individuals argued that it was an ornamental park and advised that kids be enrolled in professional football or cricket academies if they and we were so keen that they play these games. I for the life of me cannot understand these utterly idiotic arguments. However, since then this issue has persisted with no clear resolution. Recently, a month ago the children were stopped again and I was fed up so I told them to go to another park. Now comes the interesting part, they talked with their friends and found out about a High Court verdict for a similar kind of issue in Rajinder Nagar which states that no differentiation can be made between one who chooses to do yoga, exercises or involve in a ball game in community parks.They have got a printout of the verdict and plan to share it with those opposing them.
What I am really happy about is that they did not back down after I got tired of fighting against continuous opposition, they thought strategically and planned to  fight for their right with facts. I don't know how this will pan out but am pleased with their mature response.It proves that kids do as you do and not as you say.
If we have to teach them to be strong then we do that by being so ourselves.

What is our Indian child rearing culture?

As I follow the struggle of the Bhattacharya family in media I am filled with anger at the Norwegian child welfare system. How can anyone forcibly separate children from the parents and not give valid reasons supported with evidence of child abuse? When authorities hide behind rules of confidentiality upon inquiry and give enigmatic replies of parents not being able to handle children properly, one is suspicious of the entire system. This also makes me question standards of child welfare that they espouse with a tinge of moral superiority and mull over  what our Indian culture is in this regard. One thing that stands out is that we Indians are more involved and vigilant with our children till late into their adult  lives. Most of us might not be able to provide the materialistic paraphernalia of requirements of western culture, not have an overindulgent attitude and might smack them on and off, but are still able to instill a sense of emotional security in the child. Individual bedrooms, fancy toys, clothes and other child rearing equipment are replaced with large extended families, cuddling up with parents and sleeping in the same beds till the younger sibling comes along and space falls short, grandparents and parents taking taking turns to feed you by hand as you run around in circles instead of sitting in a high chair with a spoon in your hand. Parents take the responsibility of child rearing seriously not just till the child is sixteen or eighteen but till the time the parents are alive. From your college courses to job interviews, marriage to parenting tips for grandchildren the parents are constantly not only concerned but involved. This is a lot different from western cultures where individualism is propogated in the young. All mollycoddling and attention dwindles as soon as the child crosses the teens. However, while the child is small there is a tendency to go overboard in providing as much of attention and stuff to the child. This is what baffles me! Well....... though I do think that we Indians manage to do justice to the role of parenting a lot better than a lot of other cultures I feel we should not commit the mistake of thinking that we are perfect. While at a micro family level we do well in caring for our children but as a society we are not at all vigilant and are increasingly raising a very competitively aggressive generation. We have to learn from the west to be a society which is proactively committed to child welfare issues at a macro level. Also though its good that we raise our children  to respect seniority of age and relationship but somewhere we prevent them from learning to speak up and express their own views. We need to disconnect speaking your own mind with disrespect . Also instead of insisting that children do as they are instructed we need to encourage an inquiring attitude to foster creativity. There is a lot that we are doing right and yet we can still do better if we adapt our parenting style to meet the changing needs of time and generation. We should beware of falling in the trap of aping other cultures blindly by believing that saying yes to all the whims of your child demonstrates how much you love him or her and that setting goals and expecting a good level of performance is putting pressure on your child. There is no ideal blueprint for parenting so one has to improvise with each generation and trust instinct and  cultural tradition.

Nurturer or the hunter?

The intrinsic strength of a woman since the beginning has been that of a procreator and nurturer, and that of a man has been of a provider and protector. This by no means implies that these roles cannot overlap or not be carried out efficiently by either of them. Also both the roles are equally important and demand the same level of respect. However, our Indian society seems to devalue the role of women and places more value on the economic aspect of the role of a man. This years of lopsided psychological mindset has in turn not only given women an inferiority complex ( especially in the absence of education and prevalence of poverty) but has also led to an insidious attack on their very existence at birth. The minute a daughter is born the societal expectations of what is demanded from a girl's parents jumps into the mind--- she will marry and leave as opposed to a son who will not. This means that she is an expensive liability with dowry to be given and not an asset who will add to the economic well being of the family. This mindset is really absurd. We need to change this psyche. Son or daughter, both, will eventually have lives and families of their own. It is not necessary that sons will always be living with you. Also why should the financial burden of a girl's marriage should be that of her family only. Why dowry? Why should marriages be occasions of financial excesses? Unless woman don't start valuing themselves as individuals and stand up to fight these norms they will continue to pass this complex down to their daughters. We need to educate our women, make our sons more sensitive and respectful of women and quit thinking that marriage should be the goal of every girl's life.  If we don't stop marginalizing women in our society future generations will inherit a skewed population where the tender, gentle, nurturing,spiritual influence of a wife, mother, daughter and friend will be lost.

What can we bequeath to our children?

I am not really a religious person. I don't feel the connect with the number of festivals that we celebrate and hardly ever make the effort to visit the temple. Am neither justifying my attitude nor am defensive about it. I only know that the religion that I am born into though being a apart of my identity is not a defining factor of me as a person. I think it's my strong belief in universal spirituality which determines the kind of person I am. I have never urged or insisted that my children follow certain religious practices or beliefs which strengthen their sense of self as belonging to a particular religion and community. So, when recently we went to the temple and I saw my boys stand there with a certain self consciousness of not knowing what to do I felt the need to overhaul my role as a parent. I realised that I needed them to understand and learn about having faith in something immortal, omnipresent and supreme. I would fail my role as a parent if they didn't have the strength of faith in God, the deep instinct that no matter what messed up situations and pressures they face in life they just need to put in their best and leave the result up to HIM. This isn't about going to the temple and praying but knowing that when you face a dead end and don't know whom to turn to for help , the ultimate place is a sacred place of spirituality and worship. That is the biggest inheritance that I could bequeath to themnt. 

Do you enjoy the person you have evolved into?

Something has changed inside me. I feel smug about my age. I feel as if I have achieved a milestone by reaching my midforties. There is this confidence of being comfortable in my own skin and the clarity of thought about my opinions. Not that I was uncomfortable with myself before or confused about my own thought processes, but there is this quite confidence and joy of breaking free of the niggling voice in the mind which would fret over what  others thought. The social censorship has lost its hypnotic power and a strong sense of self has taken hold. Apart from the breaking free emotions I like way I look now. As I look at myself I see a self-assured woman and not a  half baked twenty something who is struggling to live upto the expectations being thrust upon her by the family and society. It is nice to see the wise sensuality of a woman in the mirror than the green inexperience of a young girl. It is a liberating experience to understand what makes me tick and have the courage to be true to myself. I enjoy the person that I have grown into. 

How do we deal with being emotionally hurt?

So many times we feel hurt, slighted, neglected or ignored by friends, family members or acquaintances and carry that in our hearts and minds. It is easy to deal with hurt when strangers are involved --- we can retaliate and know we don't have to have them in our lives. But what does one do when it is someone you cannot delete from your life on a permanent basis? We have to learn how to handle these relationships by applying a multi pronged strategy as there is no single, sure short way of having a successful  interaction with people who hurt us. One obvious way is to limit our interaction to polite social chit chat and stick to neutral topics ranging from the weather to movies so that personal opinions and beliefs are avoided. Another way would be to focus on what we can learn from the other person's strong points.We don't need to gush with compliments but can use this relationship as an opportunity to observe someone who is different from us and imbibe traits which can help us. This takes your attention away from the hurt, the emotional upheavles, the negatives of the other person and makes our self improvement as the focal point. It is not supposed to land us in a competitive situation but intended to change focus to learning, growing  and maturing spiritually from every relationship. Third way would be to not shut ourself in a cocoon but seek to share our experience with people we trust. The idea is not to seek advice but a sympathetic ear and shoulder. Just as happiness doubles when shared, sorrow halves when shared. Lastly, we must do our utmost to not becoming the other person by doing the same thing as then nothing differentiates or makes us better than him or her.We urgently need to protect your core goodness  by resisting the urge to indulge in the same retaliatory behaviour. This is the spiritual test that we have been up for and have to pass . We win when we envelope ourselves in warm, positive and caring energy which attracts the same energy from other people.

Heart or the mind?

Heart is the place where all the burning motivations of our lives take birth. Capture the heart of a person and you have won him over for life. If the heart is convinced of an objective then everything just falls into place and the mind plans and strategizes to achieve the goal. The important thing to understand, is that, it is the heart which is the source of our motivations and the most basic thing that  every heart wants is peace and happiness. But most of the time we forget this and live in a virtual world of our mind which is obsessed by trying to flaunt the most attractive image of ourselves to the world. It is constantly analyzing of what the outside world thinks of us and prodding us to compete so that we emerge as the winners. This struggle between the heart and the mind is the source of all negative emotions of worries, inadequacies, anger, jealousy and unrestrained desires. So every  time we face anxiety and anger, we need to stop and ask what is it that my heart really wants and not my ego dominated mind. Follow your heart and everything will just fall into place.

How would GOD answer these questions?

Sometimes I wonder how God Almighty would answer these questions-

1. Were you ever a teenager who hated pimples and wondered what you would do when you grew up?
2. Do you sometimes fear you might have goofed up after creating us -the human race, or are we a result of a goof up?
3. Were you in a fantastic mood when you made George Cloony and Angelina Jolie? You definitely must not have been feeling so good when it was my creation time!!
4. Are you married and how do you get along with your mother- in-law?
5. If we are your children, then the rate at which human population is growing doesn't it want to make you think of birth control?
6. Ever had mid life crisis when you suddenly don't know what to do?
7. What are your retirement plans? Think you will be able to save enough or economics is not your area of interest?
8. What do you do in your leisure time? Golf? Shopping? 
9. Do you have weight issues and what diet do you follow?
10. Lastly, what is your email id? I got a couple of requests and would like to mail them to you. Prayer system of communication doesn't seem to be very effective these days!

Do we appreciate the canvas of our lives?

Think of our lives as an art class being conducted by God. We sit through the class and learn to paint the canvas of our lives with the spectrum of colours available to us in the form of emotions. HE guides us subtly like any good teacher. HE gives us the freedom to choose bright , intense and warm colours like red, orange and yellow reflected by energy, strength, courage, power, passion, desire, joy, happiness, intellect and love.We can also choose light, cool and tranquil colours of blue, green and purple which are associated with feelings of nature,  freshness, calmness, serenity, truth, dignity, nobility, ambition etc. Then we have colours like white which stand for purity, innocence and faith, and the colour gold which symbolises prestige, wealth , wisdom and quality.  Then there is black which is associated with power, elegance, formality, death and evil. So, each us paints our lives, filling it with what we choose to experience emotionally.  In our lives situations and people of varying qualities come and go beyond our control at times, but how we choose to react and experience is within our control. And this is the skill and wisdom we need to develop  to paint the canvas of our life and make it beautiful. All of us go about painting our own individual, unique, personal masterpieces which are incomparable. To look at another individual's and feel yours is not pretty enough or to try and duplicate one which you aspire is not really wise. Each soul's journey is a masterpiece in progress with its own unique combination of colours and theme. Each birth is a canvas which we get to improve upon our previous effort. We graduate when we finally learn the importance of all the colours in the spectrum and how to use them. 

What is your relationship with God like?

Sometimes, I am really angry with Him. Sometimes, I am just fed with. Sometimes, I am sure he chooses to exercise selective hearing where my prayers concerned. Sometimes, I don't want to plead for any help because I have given up on his speed of response. There definitely are hiccups in our communication!! However, there are occasions when I am downright grateful to Him for every little thing in my life. Though, I do wish he could be more indulgent of me as a young child instead of treating me like an adult and letting me learn from my own struggles. I want to be pampered a little!! Hellooooooo! I hope you are listening. I don't want to be spoiled rotten by having every whim and fancy satisfied but it wouldn't do any harm to have a few WANTS met at the click of his fingers. He is strict parent with me. I have grown up stronger, wiser and kinder because of the way he has brought me up. I know that and I appreciate that. But just as a child thinks ,at times, I feel that others have a more understanding and nicer God who give in to their whims more often. So, its a complicated relationship between the two of us just as between any parent and child, till I decide to grow up.

Are you a generous person?

 For some it is coded into their genetic material to be giving in both spiritual and material terms. However, most of us struggle in our lives trying to be generous. To be truly able to forgive and forget indiscretions of others and share your resources, one needs to be wholly emotionally strong and materially content. This is easy if there is mutual love, liking and respect. But what if the relationship is fraught with troublesome issues of perceived expectations from certain roles that we play in our lives. How does one deal with trying to be generous when there is a steady, continuous assault on a regular basis in some small way or the other on our self image as a good human being. The first instinct is to react and confront in justifying your position as the righteous one. But if we do not to follow that path then one option is to take refuge in our ego and say that we shall do the politically and morally right thing to have the moral upper hand . The other option is to emotionally distance oneself from the situation and do the best one can of what is expected, with the view, that you do not want to carry the negative emotional baggage and stress that comes from being small minded. I think though the first is very tempting the second option is tougher because it pushes us to be ungrudging and magnanimous without the emotional self- fulfillment and joy of giving and sharing unstintingly, from the heart. It is a small step in the long journey of learning to be generous without expecting something in return.

What is love?

As I sit with a cup of tea in my hands Alka talks and pours her heart out. I don't know how to comfort her and I just sit there, listening. I grieve for her as she remembers her husband and can only try to empathize with her feelings of loss. The bewilderment she faces every day in the morning when she sees the empty other side of the bed is a reminder that its a blessing to have your loved one to snuggle upto. As evening approaches she crumbles emotionally knowing that he is not coming home,ever again. So we have a lot to thank for that we are waiting for someone to come home.She fears what the future holds for her and wonders how she will face the difficult times ahead, all alone. Most of us are lucky to be able to plan and look forward to the future with our partners. Being together gives strength to be able to face life's challenges without fear and lonliness. We feel cared for, protected and cherished. Gazing at his photograph she proudly tells me how he always encouraged her in her hobbies and wanted her to look smart and pretty. It's indeed awesome to have someone special in whose eyes you can see the full potential of the person that you are meant to be and can become. Someone who has more faith and confidence in you than you yourself. It's difficult to define love attempted to but I have attempted to describe it so that we know when we are lucky in love.

Remember some experience which uplifts you?

An evening with just the right amount of chill to let you savour the onset of Delhi winter. Open air stage with twnkling diyas and lights.Cushions with crisp white covers on the amphitheatre seats. A slight cool breeze which coaxes you to snuggle into your shawl. An atmosphere brimming with the expectation of experiencing a magical evening. It was and everything more. As the Sufi music festival Ruhaniyat was ushered in by the strains of Punjabi shabad I was struck by the purity and strength in the voice of the singers. There was a grainy softness in the voice of the Kashmiri singers and earthy foot tapping melody in the songs from Rajasthan. The Egyptian group had everyone clapping and was a joy to witness because one could see how much they were enjoying performing. And if this was not enough the riveting performance of the Baul singer held me enthralled by the sheer elemental quality of her voice. Music, art and dance performances are truly experiences which go beyond  human language. They give a glimpse into the soul of the universe and beyond.

Can you laugh at yourself?

To be able to laugh at yourself is a gift. It's a unique ability to to be able to put the the other person with  whom you are, at ease.It's a lethal combination of modesty and humorous self-confidence which makes you extremely likeable as an individual.It lets you show vulnerability without weakness and encourages others to empathize with you. Then why is it that some of us are so scared of practicing this? What is it that makes us so straitlaced and boringly proper? Maybe it's because we are inwardly very insecure and try too hard to fit in with the crowd that we take every comment as outright criticism or compliment. I think we need to go easy on ourselves and rediscover the ability to have at our expense rather shredding others to pieces.