What is our Indian child rearing culture?

As I follow the struggle of the Bhattacharya family in media I am filled with anger at the Norwegian child welfare system. How can anyone forcibly separate children from the parents and not give valid reasons supported with evidence of child abuse? When authorities hide behind rules of confidentiality upon inquiry and give enigmatic replies of parents not being able to handle children properly, one is suspicious of the entire system. This also makes me question standards of child welfare that they espouse with a tinge of moral superiority and mull over  what our Indian culture is in this regard. One thing that stands out is that we Indians are more involved and vigilant with our children till late into their adult  lives. Most of us might not be able to provide the materialistic paraphernalia of requirements of western culture, not have an overindulgent attitude and might smack them on and off, but are still able to instill a sense of emotional security in the child. Individual bedrooms, fancy toys, clothes and other child rearing equipment are replaced with large extended families, cuddling up with parents and sleeping in the same beds till the younger sibling comes along and space falls short, grandparents and parents taking taking turns to feed you by hand as you run around in circles instead of sitting in a high chair with a spoon in your hand. Parents take the responsibility of child rearing seriously not just till the child is sixteen or eighteen but till the time the parents are alive. From your college courses to job interviews, marriage to parenting tips for grandchildren the parents are constantly not only concerned but involved. This is a lot different from western cultures where individualism is propogated in the young. All mollycoddling and attention dwindles as soon as the child crosses the teens. However, while the child is small there is a tendency to go overboard in providing as much of attention and stuff to the child. This is what baffles me! Well....... though I do think that we Indians manage to do justice to the role of parenting a lot better than a lot of other cultures I feel we should not commit the mistake of thinking that we are perfect. While at a micro family level we do well in caring for our children but as a society we are not at all vigilant and are increasingly raising a very competitively aggressive generation. We have to learn from the west to be a society which is proactively committed to child welfare issues at a macro level. Also though its good that we raise our children  to respect seniority of age and relationship but somewhere we prevent them from learning to speak up and express their own views. We need to disconnect speaking your own mind with disrespect . Also instead of insisting that children do as they are instructed we need to encourage an inquiring attitude to foster creativity. There is a lot that we are doing right and yet we can still do better if we adapt our parenting style to meet the changing needs of time and generation. We should beware of falling in the trap of aping other cultures blindly by believing that saying yes to all the whims of your child demonstrates how much you love him or her and that setting goals and expecting a good level of performance is putting pressure on your child. There is no ideal blueprint for parenting so one has to improvise with each generation and trust instinct and  cultural tradition.

Nurturer or the hunter?

The intrinsic strength of a woman since the beginning has been that of a procreator and nurturer, and that of a man has been of a provider and protector. This by no means implies that these roles cannot overlap or not be carried out efficiently by either of them. Also both the roles are equally important and demand the same level of respect. However, our Indian society seems to devalue the role of women and places more value on the economic aspect of the role of a man. This years of lopsided psychological mindset has in turn not only given women an inferiority complex ( especially in the absence of education and prevalence of poverty) but has also led to an insidious attack on their very existence at birth. The minute a daughter is born the societal expectations of what is demanded from a girl's parents jumps into the mind--- she will marry and leave as opposed to a son who will not. This means that she is an expensive liability with dowry to be given and not an asset who will add to the economic well being of the family. This mindset is really absurd. We need to change this psyche. Son or daughter, both, will eventually have lives and families of their own. It is not necessary that sons will always be living with you. Also why should the financial burden of a girl's marriage should be that of her family only. Why dowry? Why should marriages be occasions of financial excesses? Unless woman don't start valuing themselves as individuals and stand up to fight these norms they will continue to pass this complex down to their daughters. We need to educate our women, make our sons more sensitive and respectful of women and quit thinking that marriage should be the goal of every girl's life.  If we don't stop marginalizing women in our society future generations will inherit a skewed population where the tender, gentle, nurturing,spiritual influence of a wife, mother, daughter and friend will be lost.

What can we bequeath to our children?

I am not really a religious person. I don't feel the connect with the number of festivals that we celebrate and hardly ever make the effort to visit the temple. Am neither justifying my attitude nor am defensive about it. I only know that the religion that I am born into though being a apart of my identity is not a defining factor of me as a person. I think it's my strong belief in universal spirituality which determines the kind of person I am. I have never urged or insisted that my children follow certain religious practices or beliefs which strengthen their sense of self as belonging to a particular religion and community. So, when recently we went to the temple and I saw my boys stand there with a certain self consciousness of not knowing what to do I felt the need to overhaul my role as a parent. I realised that I needed them to understand and learn about having faith in something immortal, omnipresent and supreme. I would fail my role as a parent if they didn't have the strength of faith in God, the deep instinct that no matter what messed up situations and pressures they face in life they just need to put in their best and leave the result up to HIM. This isn't about going to the temple and praying but knowing that when you face a dead end and don't know whom to turn to for help , the ultimate place is a sacred place of spirituality and worship. That is the biggest inheritance that I could bequeath to themnt. 

Do you enjoy the person you have evolved into?

Something has changed inside me. I feel smug about my age. I feel as if I have achieved a milestone by reaching my midforties. There is this confidence of being comfortable in my own skin and the clarity of thought about my opinions. Not that I was uncomfortable with myself before or confused about my own thought processes, but there is this quite confidence and joy of breaking free of the niggling voice in the mind which would fret over what  others thought. The social censorship has lost its hypnotic power and a strong sense of self has taken hold. Apart from the breaking free emotions I like way I look now. As I look at myself I see a self-assured woman and not a  half baked twenty something who is struggling to live upto the expectations being thrust upon her by the family and society. It is nice to see the wise sensuality of a woman in the mirror than the green inexperience of a young girl. It is a liberating experience to understand what makes me tick and have the courage to be true to myself. I enjoy the person that I have grown into. 

How do we deal with being emotionally hurt?

So many times we feel hurt, slighted, neglected or ignored by friends, family members or acquaintances and carry that in our hearts and minds. It is easy to deal with hurt when strangers are involved --- we can retaliate and know we don't have to have them in our lives. But what does one do when it is someone you cannot delete from your life on a permanent basis? We have to learn how to handle these relationships by applying a multi pronged strategy as there is no single, sure short way of having a successful  interaction with people who hurt us. One obvious way is to limit our interaction to polite social chit chat and stick to neutral topics ranging from the weather to movies so that personal opinions and beliefs are avoided. Another way would be to focus on what we can learn from the other person's strong points.We don't need to gush with compliments but can use this relationship as an opportunity to observe someone who is different from us and imbibe traits which can help us. This takes your attention away from the hurt, the emotional upheavles, the negatives of the other person and makes our self improvement as the focal point. It is not supposed to land us in a competitive situation but intended to change focus to learning, growing  and maturing spiritually from every relationship. Third way would be to not shut ourself in a cocoon but seek to share our experience with people we trust. The idea is not to seek advice but a sympathetic ear and shoulder. Just as happiness doubles when shared, sorrow halves when shared. Lastly, we must do our utmost to not becoming the other person by doing the same thing as then nothing differentiates or makes us better than him or her.We urgently need to protect your core goodness  by resisting the urge to indulge in the same retaliatory behaviour. This is the spiritual test that we have been up for and have to pass . We win when we envelope ourselves in warm, positive and caring energy which attracts the same energy from other people.

Heart or the mind?

Heart is the place where all the burning motivations of our lives take birth. Capture the heart of a person and you have won him over for life. If the heart is convinced of an objective then everything just falls into place and the mind plans and strategizes to achieve the goal. The important thing to understand, is that, it is the heart which is the source of our motivations and the most basic thing that  every heart wants is peace and happiness. But most of the time we forget this and live in a virtual world of our mind which is obsessed by trying to flaunt the most attractive image of ourselves to the world. It is constantly analyzing of what the outside world thinks of us and prodding us to compete so that we emerge as the winners. This struggle between the heart and the mind is the source of all negative emotions of worries, inadequacies, anger, jealousy and unrestrained desires. So every  time we face anxiety and anger, we need to stop and ask what is it that my heart really wants and not my ego dominated mind. Follow your heart and everything will just fall into place.

How would GOD answer these questions?

Sometimes I wonder how God Almighty would answer these questions-

1. Were you ever a teenager who hated pimples and wondered what you would do when you grew up?
2. Do you sometimes fear you might have goofed up after creating us -the human race, or are we a result of a goof up?
3. Were you in a fantastic mood when you made George Cloony and Angelina Jolie? You definitely must not have been feeling so good when it was my creation time!!
4. Are you married and how do you get along with your mother- in-law?
5. If we are your children, then the rate at which human population is growing doesn't it want to make you think of birth control?
6. Ever had mid life crisis when you suddenly don't know what to do?
7. What are your retirement plans? Think you will be able to save enough or economics is not your area of interest?
8. What do you do in your leisure time? Golf? Shopping? 
9. Do you have weight issues and what diet do you follow?
10. Lastly, what is your email id? I got a couple of requests and would like to mail them to you. Prayer system of communication doesn't seem to be very effective these days!