Is it holy grail to dance at weddings?

You must be wondering if I am maa.....d to even raise this question. Isn't it obvious that weddings are occasions of happiness, and music and dance is the way we express our joy and celebrate. Yes, that is true if it is spontaneous fun in a gathering of friends and family where everyone gets up to shake a leg even if you have two left feet. It is fun when the baraatis dance with crazy dance movements as if they got an epilepsy attack or you are two pegs down and rocking on the dance floor. But spare me the current trend of imitating Bollywood in real life. There is the hired coreographer who teaches the bride, the groom, the teenage cousins, the aunties and the uncles, mothers and fathers and even the grandparents if they are willing . Then this well rehearsed bunch goes on stage and gyrates to the latest Bollywood songs. Spare me the agony of being forced to witness this ludicrous performance at every big fat Indian wedding. Hellooooo..... if entertainment is the issue then please get some professionals to perform instead of trying to imitate HUM SAATH SAATH HAIN in real life. 

Can I be wrong?

This is a question I recently asked myself and accepted that I could have reacted differently in many circumstances to ensure smoother relationships. The minute this thought struck me, I realized that I am not perfect and became less judgemental about the other person. I recognized and acknowledged my personality traits in the other or realized that we are two completely different personalities. Whatever the case, noticing and understanding dissolved the anger and freed me. I no longer saw myself as the wronged, aggrieved perfectly correct person but an imperfect individual. I felt lighter and happier. I have become more forgiving of both myself and the other. I feel more complete and whole even though imperfect. And  this is better as my ego then has less control over me.

How to teach children to be strong?

In today's world where everyone is out gain advantage over you whether by fair or unfair means we all worry how our children will fare as they grow up in an overly aggressive and competitive environment. Will they collapse under pressure or learn to handle it with intelligent choices. I often worry about my kids as I think they are simple and introverted compared to a lot of other children. However, something happened today that made think that though they might not be the street smart extrovert category of teenagers, they will learn to deal with the world in their own way. This is how it goes.......
Two to three years ago D- block residents contributed for the upkeep of the D-block park. The funds and the responsibility of the park maintenance was given to two people. Now in their zealousness to prove that they could maintain a beautiful park these individuals stopped children from playing football in the park on the grounds that the plants and trees are damaged and the fear of injury to those walking nearby. When my children came home upset that they were not being allowed to play, lets say like any mother I saw RED. I then went door to door gathering support from the parents of children who played football and cricket to oppose this. Meetings were held and we argued that being a public park the children had the right to play what ever they wanted. No individual could dictate how the park is to be used. We also suggested that timings could kept for sport activities,  small fence be put around the hedges to prevent damage and children be told to be careful that the ball should not hit the walkers. But to no avail. These individuals argued that it was an ornamental park and advised that kids be enrolled in professional football or cricket academies if they and we were so keen that they play these games. I for the life of me cannot understand these utterly idiotic arguments. However, since then this issue has persisted with no clear resolution. Recently, a month ago the children were stopped again and I was fed up so I told them to go to another park. Now comes the interesting part, they talked with their friends and found out about a High Court verdict for a similar kind of issue in Rajinder Nagar which states that no differentiation can be made between one who chooses to do yoga, exercises or involve in a ball game in community parks.They have got a printout of the verdict and plan to share it with those opposing them.
What I am really happy about is that they did not back down after I got tired of fighting against continuous opposition, they thought strategically and planned to  fight for their right with facts. I don't know how this will pan out but am pleased with their mature response.It proves that kids do as you do and not as you say.
If we have to teach them to be strong then we do that by being so ourselves.

What is our Indian child rearing culture?

As I follow the struggle of the Bhattacharya family in media I am filled with anger at the Norwegian child welfare system. How can anyone forcibly separate children from the parents and not give valid reasons supported with evidence of child abuse? When authorities hide behind rules of confidentiality upon inquiry and give enigmatic replies of parents not being able to handle children properly, one is suspicious of the entire system. This also makes me question standards of child welfare that they espouse with a tinge of moral superiority and mull over  what our Indian culture is in this regard. One thing that stands out is that we Indians are more involved and vigilant with our children till late into their adult  lives. Most of us might not be able to provide the materialistic paraphernalia of requirements of western culture, not have an overindulgent attitude and might smack them on and off, but are still able to instill a sense of emotional security in the child. Individual bedrooms, fancy toys, clothes and other child rearing equipment are replaced with large extended families, cuddling up with parents and sleeping in the same beds till the younger sibling comes along and space falls short, grandparents and parents taking taking turns to feed you by hand as you run around in circles instead of sitting in a high chair with a spoon in your hand. Parents take the responsibility of child rearing seriously not just till the child is sixteen or eighteen but till the time the parents are alive. From your college courses to job interviews, marriage to parenting tips for grandchildren the parents are constantly not only concerned but involved. This is a lot different from western cultures where individualism is propogated in the young. All mollycoddling and attention dwindles as soon as the child crosses the teens. However, while the child is small there is a tendency to go overboard in providing as much of attention and stuff to the child. This is what baffles me! Well....... though I do think that we Indians manage to do justice to the role of parenting a lot better than a lot of other cultures I feel we should not commit the mistake of thinking that we are perfect. While at a micro family level we do well in caring for our children but as a society we are not at all vigilant and are increasingly raising a very competitively aggressive generation. We have to learn from the west to be a society which is proactively committed to child welfare issues at a macro level. Also though its good that we raise our children  to respect seniority of age and relationship but somewhere we prevent them from learning to speak up and express their own views. We need to disconnect speaking your own mind with disrespect . Also instead of insisting that children do as they are instructed we need to encourage an inquiring attitude to foster creativity. There is a lot that we are doing right and yet we can still do better if we adapt our parenting style to meet the changing needs of time and generation. We should beware of falling in the trap of aping other cultures blindly by believing that saying yes to all the whims of your child demonstrates how much you love him or her and that setting goals and expecting a good level of performance is putting pressure on your child. There is no ideal blueprint for parenting so one has to improvise with each generation and trust instinct and  cultural tradition.

Nurturer or the hunter?

The intrinsic strength of a woman since the beginning has been that of a procreator and nurturer, and that of a man has been of a provider and protector. This by no means implies that these roles cannot overlap or not be carried out efficiently by either of them. Also both the roles are equally important and demand the same level of respect. However, our Indian society seems to devalue the role of women and places more value on the economic aspect of the role of a man. This years of lopsided psychological mindset has in turn not only given women an inferiority complex ( especially in the absence of education and prevalence of poverty) but has also led to an insidious attack on their very existence at birth. The minute a daughter is born the societal expectations of what is demanded from a girl's parents jumps into the mind--- she will marry and leave as opposed to a son who will not. This means that she is an expensive liability with dowry to be given and not an asset who will add to the economic well being of the family. This mindset is really absurd. We need to change this psyche. Son or daughter, both, will eventually have lives and families of their own. It is not necessary that sons will always be living with you. Also why should the financial burden of a girl's marriage should be that of her family only. Why dowry? Why should marriages be occasions of financial excesses? Unless woman don't start valuing themselves as individuals and stand up to fight these norms they will continue to pass this complex down to their daughters. We need to educate our women, make our sons more sensitive and respectful of women and quit thinking that marriage should be the goal of every girl's life.  If we don't stop marginalizing women in our society future generations will inherit a skewed population where the tender, gentle, nurturing,spiritual influence of a wife, mother, daughter and friend will be lost.

What can we bequeath to our children?

I am not really a religious person. I don't feel the connect with the number of festivals that we celebrate and hardly ever make the effort to visit the temple. Am neither justifying my attitude nor am defensive about it. I only know that the religion that I am born into though being a apart of my identity is not a defining factor of me as a person. I think it's my strong belief in universal spirituality which determines the kind of person I am. I have never urged or insisted that my children follow certain religious practices or beliefs which strengthen their sense of self as belonging to a particular religion and community. So, when recently we went to the temple and I saw my boys stand there with a certain self consciousness of not knowing what to do I felt the need to overhaul my role as a parent. I realised that I needed them to understand and learn about having faith in something immortal, omnipresent and supreme. I would fail my role as a parent if they didn't have the strength of faith in God, the deep instinct that no matter what messed up situations and pressures they face in life they just need to put in their best and leave the result up to HIM. This isn't about going to the temple and praying but knowing that when you face a dead end and don't know whom to turn to for help , the ultimate place is a sacred place of spirituality and worship. That is the biggest inheritance that I could bequeath to themnt. 

Do you enjoy the person you have evolved into?

Something has changed inside me. I feel smug about my age. I feel as if I have achieved a milestone by reaching my midforties. There is this confidence of being comfortable in my own skin and the clarity of thought about my opinions. Not that I was uncomfortable with myself before or confused about my own thought processes, but there is this quite confidence and joy of breaking free of the niggling voice in the mind which would fret over what  others thought. The social censorship has lost its hypnotic power and a strong sense of self has taken hold. Apart from the breaking free emotions I like way I look now. As I look at myself I see a self-assured woman and not a  half baked twenty something who is struggling to live upto the expectations being thrust upon her by the family and society. It is nice to see the wise sensuality of a woman in the mirror than the green inexperience of a young girl. It is a liberating experience to understand what makes me tick and have the courage to be true to myself. I enjoy the person that I have grown into.